what blog?

All i want is to write something creative and get my words/thoughts/feelings/LIFE out but everything is crazy and busy and scary and GREAT and spring break is in less than two weeks WHAT?

It's 12:30am and I'm settling in to write paper #1 of the semester. Paper #1 since... May of last year. Since we weren't required to write anything academic in Russia, I am so out of practice. But this time, trepidation and procrastination are NOT the reasons I am writing feverishly on the eve of the due date.

This is show week! And I was in tech all damn weekend. I can actually say with complete confidence and little guilt that I had no large chunk of time this past week in which to write this paper.

(But i'm sort of excited about it. It's for my favorite class -- my religion class -- and I have endless things to say. I can't promise all [or any] of them will be incredibly intelligent or original, but they are things. I have ideas. thankgod).

Back to show week.

I can't wait to present this play to our community. The House of The Spirits. It's fantastically beautiful — both the script and the production. It's a shame we only had 5 weeks to produce it, though. (our read through was just a month ago!) You can never be 'finished' with a show. There is always more to work on. And though I feel we are in an incredible place, I know we could go so much further with a few extra weeks.

But here we are. And I love where we've ended up. I hope to write more about what I've experienced with this play in the past month; I've really felt my growth, time and time again. I've sunk my teeth into this one, and it's a damn good feeling.

but oh shit it's almost 1am and I have to write 5 pages by morning.

time for the twix bar the vending machine so generously provided me with.

it's raining and i'm happy.

nemo

the snow has been falling since 11am and i could watch it tumble down like this forever.

i opened my window and stuck my head out to smell the freshest icy air. i breathed as deep as i could, and remembered moscow. such a treat for my senses, i felt lucky to be alive. i wish you could have smelled the air -- it was everything.

a gust of wind blew in my direction, and with it came a spray of snowflakes. i laughed, pure joy. leaned back in and shut the window, still staring out at the glittering white blanket. unable to pull myself away, enchanted.

wind on all sides, 1:30am

I thought I was back into my writing groove...

I was wrong.

The post about Moscow that I started three weeks ago is sitting neglected on the bottom right corner of my desktop. I look at it and think about, but can't go back to it.

It might be time to force it. When I don't write my brain is way too full and I'm unfocused. My thoughts and feelings aren't thought out and therefore don't seem real. Just fragments floating.

January is gone now, 1/12 of the year that just began. I'm back at school, back in the place that used to be the happiest on earth for me. It's not, now. I don't have a 'happiest place' at the moment. Which is okay. The bright lights of the future are distracting and inspiring me. I've changed. Am changing.

Still, very happy here, and so grateful that Vassar gives me the freedom to grow.
I'm a different student, a different friend, a different actor, a different person in solitude.

All of this makes my Vassar existence infinitely more fulfilling than it has been.

I'm growing up!
It's fucking beautiful.

Resolved.

On January 1, 2012, I wrote that I wanted to look for inspiration, satisfaction, and love around me. 

This year, I need to find those things within me. 

I have a lot of thinking to do, a lot of writing to do, to help understand the transformation I've experienced in the last year -- but really, the last three months. 

I barely recognize the pictures of myself from the first half of 2012, and I'm not sure how I dubbed myself "the happiest I've ever been." Who knows? Maybe I was, until I lived these 12 months. I liberated myself, experienced another part of the world, met a group of like-minded people who respect me, figured out who I really want and need in my life. 

I know what I want my life to look like. I love where I'm headed, and who's on the journey with me. 

What I need to do, now, is begin a different, inner journey. To fall in love with myself. To stop judging myself and actually (this time I really mean it) stop using anyone else's standards as my own. I must really get to know myself so that I can love myself, the way I deserve to be loved. 

My resolutions:

Gratitude journal, every day.

Date myself for 6 months.

GET OFF FACEBOOK.

Time my headstands/shoulder stands, every day.

Live with intention, and take ACTION to achieve self-love and success in everything I do.

I'm finally waking up. The lightbulb has gone off, and I'm new. It has nothing to do with the changing of the calendar, though my realization has coincided with the new year nicely. 

Aiming to be completely truthful, completely loving, completely motivated, completely purposeful this year. 

Still Alive and Kicking in Russia

All updates are here: www.atthemat.tumblr.com

October is just about over and there is snow on the ground.

On Halloween, we are going to see Krymov's Opus No. 7.

I am working on a scene from Uncle Vanya for the rest of the semester, under the advisement of Igor, our other master and a famous actor in Russia.

Guys, life is unbelievable.

Update From Halfway Around the Globe

Hello, World.

Since I've been in Moscow, I feel like a new person. I am evolving every single minute, and I have never felt more alive.

Never have I been so purely happy, so wholly appreciative of all that I am receiving. I am living and breathing the only thing I want to live and breathe. I look forward to every new day with an anticipation that has been lost from my existence for much too long.

I have a direction. I finally have a direction. I have taken my future into my own hands and I am creating something out of my life.

I don't miss home because I am fully existing here. I am entirely present and it's unbeatable. Realizing that you are doing something that you needed with every fiber of your being is bliss. It's heaven.

I have no doubt. I never, ever second-guess my decision to be here. Just three weeks ago, I was petrified. There was actually a part of me that didn't want to go. But now, I can't imagine my life without these people, and without Russia.

It seems like too much, for only being here a week and a half. But it's a little like love... when you know, you know. And there's no age or time limit. It just is what it is. If we truly allow ourselves to be honest and open, we will recognize with a full heart when we are in the right place.

That's what it is... I'm full. I'm not a shell of happiness, relying on knowing I have a great life rather than truly feeling it. I've found my purpose, and I'm working towards it. This is it! This is my life.

I have arrived.

So Close

So I finally got my Russia blog up and running, and the inaugural post is up, as well! Click on this link to go check it out.

I will probably repost everything here that I post over there. I don't think I'll have the time to write THAT much, but I don't want to leave this baby in the dust.

This time next week I will be sleeping in Russia. Actually, I'll probably be waking up. YIKES to the 10am classes with a 30 minute walk to campus. At least I think that's the schedule? Oh, how much I don't know yet.

I can't even believe it's that time. When I was accepted in April I just thought "Great! Whew! I don't have to think about that for a while."

Well. Here we are. Literally standing at the front door of this opportunity.

And that's what it is! OPPORTUNITY. I've been excited from the start, but I've also been kinda sorta pleasedon'ttellanyone... dreading it. Which is so ridiculous and unreal. I get to go to study abroad at the most famous theatrical institution in Russia—one of the most famous in the world, with fantastic professors AND with financial aid, and I'm dreading it?! How does that make sense?

It does, though. Because I like the comfortable. It's not built into my personality to enjoy taking risks. That's not me. But if I don't push myself, if I DON'T risk... then I'm ultimately unfulfilled and unhappy. I know that. And so I do things that scare me. Not enough, in my opinion, which is why this program will be so great and absolutely terrifying. Risk after risk after risk after risk.

But damn this will be so good for me. I know it, I do. And the people seem great, from what I can tell on our Facebook group. It's going to be a fantastic adventure. I feel it.