I contemplated writing a post on the recurring thoughts I have while passing the cemetery on my way to dance every Tuesday and Thursday, but decided I'm not ready for that. Too morbid for the moment.
Instead, HOLY SHIT I'M BUSY.
I spent most of last year and last semester thinking I wasn't doing enough. Everyone else was more involved, had more than just a show, etc. I wanted someone to ask me what I did on campus and be able to spout off an exhaustive list.
This semester is a different story.
Not only am I in one show, but two.
I'm on the board of FWA, and unlike last semester, I actually have responsibilities. Lots of them. Why did I think treasurer was a good idea?
I'm a tour guide. Which basically equals weird ass time commitments.
I'm taking 5 classes.
Oh, and I joined an intramural soccer team? (still processing that one)
Not that I'm any busier than all of the other overachievers here (of which I am not one, seriously), but this is the most I've ever had to do.
...I love it.
Being busy makes me feel productive, excited, able to forge on with purpose.
I just HAVE to nail down a routine so I can get all of my homework done. It's not happening at the moment, y'all.
My brain/body isn't used to having so many things going on. Also my constant, strange, totally-irrelevant-to-anything thoughts are FIGHTING for room in there.
Anybody got any links to an intensive time management course? I'd fit that in somewhere.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Breathe it In
I think the scent of Natural Works Water Lily dish soap will forever remind me of freshman year and the three south bathroom.
I still have that same bottle of dish soap. Every time I use it I'm immediately transported. If I smell it next year, will it remind me of sophomore year a well?
I don't think so. I think the freshman year memory is locked in.
Sense of smell is so weird that way. It's the most nostalgic, emotionally linked sense, which is one of the reasons why being sick and losing that sense is just MISERABLE.
It's so ridiculously visceral. I've cried, laughed, smiled, grimaced, gagged, fantasized, felt agitated or relaxed all because of what I'm smelling!
It's a bit of a love/hate relationship.
But mostly love.
Because a delicious meal, a warm dessert, the scent of a significant other, your favorite perfume, comforts of home, a childhood memory... so good.
Nothing affects me like a strong scent.
I wish I could bottle a few.
I still have that same bottle of dish soap. Every time I use it I'm immediately transported. If I smell it next year, will it remind me of sophomore year a well?
I don't think so. I think the freshman year memory is locked in.
Sense of smell is so weird that way. It's the most nostalgic, emotionally linked sense, which is one of the reasons why being sick and losing that sense is just MISERABLE.
It's so ridiculously visceral. I've cried, laughed, smiled, grimaced, gagged, fantasized, felt agitated or relaxed all because of what I'm smelling!
It's a bit of a love/hate relationship.
But mostly love.
Because a delicious meal, a warm dessert, the scent of a significant other, your favorite perfume, comforts of home, a childhood memory... so good.
Nothing affects me like a strong scent.
I wish I could bottle a few.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sunday Dump [the third]
I'm processing.
Sometimes the feelings of inadequacy are so palpable I can literally feel the weight of them everywhere on my person.
Inadequacy coupled with a frequent lack of drive promotes even deeper feelings of inadequacy and the cycle is vicious, as so many are.
I think, though, that everyone has a point where they get it. "This is what I need to do to get to where I want to be." I think I have found that.
Passion necessitates hard work. Focused, true, hard, long, sometimes shitty work. But work that is so worth it. I wish I could fully grasp that light at the end of the tunnel. The payoff isn't real yet. I've gotten into the mindset that I'm just going to stay static.
But I don't want to. I really, really don't want to. And I can't. I can't afford to play around anymore.
I am thankful for the incredible people in my life that force me to see the bigger picture, reevaluate, and plant a seed of pointed positivity.
It's not a failure. It's a road. My path to where I'm supposed to end up. I trust in that, but I also have to trust in myself, and make it happen.
The time is now, and it always has been.
Sometimes the feelings of inadequacy are so palpable I can literally feel the weight of them everywhere on my person.
Inadequacy coupled with a frequent lack of drive promotes even deeper feelings of inadequacy and the cycle is vicious, as so many are.
I think, though, that everyone has a point where they get it. "This is what I need to do to get to where I want to be." I think I have found that.
Passion necessitates hard work. Focused, true, hard, long, sometimes shitty work. But work that is so worth it. I wish I could fully grasp that light at the end of the tunnel. The payoff isn't real yet. I've gotten into the mindset that I'm just going to stay static.
But I don't want to. I really, really don't want to. And I can't. I can't afford to play around anymore.
I am thankful for the incredible people in my life that force me to see the bigger picture, reevaluate, and plant a seed of pointed positivity.
It's not a failure. It's a road. My path to where I'm supposed to end up. I trust in that, but I also have to trust in myself, and make it happen.
The time is now, and it always has been.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Why.
This was a weekend.
This is why I need to get out of my room.
This is why people are wonderful.
This is why I love Vassar.
This is college.
This is how it should be, always.
This is how friends are made to last.
This is why late nights and rushed homework and fatigue and misadventures are worth it.
This is why I need to get out of my room.
This is why people are wonderful.
This is why I love Vassar.
This is college.
This is how it should be, always.
This is how friends are made to last.
This is why late nights and rushed homework and fatigue and misadventures are worth it.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Beyoncé
Mug Night.
Never have I seen so many people at the mug. It was insanity.
DJ Reevoncé was flawless and the view from the DJ booth was unreal. So happy I was there the whole time. There are plenty of pictures, some of which you'll see and some of which you won't (like I said, the VIEW).
Auditions are tomorrow (today, it's after midnight) so I should get SOME semblance of a good night's sleep. A bit nervous.
But a fantastic night and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Also, the air was thicker than summer in Florida.
Never have I seen so many people at the mug. It was insanity.
DJ Reevoncé was flawless and the view from the DJ booth was unreal. So happy I was there the whole time. There are plenty of pictures, some of which you'll see and some of which you won't (like I said, the VIEW).
Auditions are tomorrow (today, it's after midnight) so I should get SOME semblance of a good night's sleep. A bit nervous.
But a fantastic night and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Also, the air was thicker than summer in Florida.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
I Need Sleep. Lots of Sleep.
I'm eating mini chocolate covered donuts.
They are so good. I feel no guilt.
Also it is almost the weekend but it already feels like it's here. But this weekend is full of things. Auditions, namely.
Really all I want is to be a hermit for like, a week. Catch up on all my shows and eat so much food.
I also would love to take care of my sick boyfriend. I've always thought this was kind of sappy and ridiculous, but it really does break my heart just a teeeny bit to see him not feeling well, and especially not being able to be there to make him feel better.
I felt very tired today. Physically, mentally. I got a lot of sleep but it didn't start until 3am, so that probably explains it.
All of my posts are turning into dumps like Sunday. I should start earlier so my eyes aren't closing by the end!
I have to remember to write down all the blog post ideas I have throughout the day. Because I do have them! Quite easy to forget, though.
Should I eat another donut? Yes. Always yes.
They are so good. I feel no guilt.
Also it is almost the weekend but it already feels like it's here. But this weekend is full of things. Auditions, namely.
Really all I want is to be a hermit for like, a week. Catch up on all my shows and eat so much food.
I also would love to take care of my sick boyfriend. I've always thought this was kind of sappy and ridiculous, but it really does break my heart just a teeeny bit to see him not feeling well, and especially not being able to be there to make him feel better.
I felt very tired today. Physically, mentally. I got a lot of sleep but it didn't start until 3am, so that probably explains it.
All of my posts are turning into dumps like Sunday. I should start earlier so my eyes aren't closing by the end!
I have to remember to write down all the blog post ideas I have throughout the day. Because I do have them! Quite easy to forget, though.
Should I eat another donut? Yes. Always yes.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Hello February!
YAY! I've officially blogged for one month straight! Kind of insane that the amount of posts from January are already more than half of those from the entirety of last May-December!
I am actually quite proud of myself. I know it's only 1 month out of 12, but I was quite afraid I would forget or decide it wasn't important or fall asleep. Internet accountability is a powerful thing, I'm here to tell you.
What I have slacked on a bit is my journal, but I've been pretty straightforward in my vlogs, so I don't feel too bad. And I do comprehensive catch-ups if I miss too many days. Yay for documenting absolutely every part of my life?
So welcome to February! This is a weird month. But for me, even the name sounds like love. I've never had a valentine (until this year! Eeee!) but I have always loved Valentine's Day. It's the day I shamelessly eat the pound of See's chocolates my dad buys me! Or, college edition, the day I shamelessly eat whatever chocolate is in the vending machines. ...that's sad.
Valentine's Day is actually the day Dan first came onto my radar. That was the day he sent me the message on Facebook asking me to coffee. Unbeknownst to him, of course. I feel like most single men are somewhat oblivious of Valentine's Day. Us women, however. Hell no. We KNOW when that day is coming, and if we're dreading it or looking forward to the big ass teddy bear and box of (cheap) chocolate we may or may not get from our kind of steady boyfriend. Which never happened to me, by the way. Except for the year I was given roses and chocolate and a mix CD from a boy in my French class... and I was seriously beyond flattered but couldn't return the feelings. Which made me sad a little. But you can't tell your heart what to do, ya know?
Oh, high school.
ANYWAYS. Where is this post going?? I feel like I should have saved the above for Feb. 14, buuuttt whatever comes out of my mind gets posted, so that's that.
It's late and I have an amazing amount of energy that I do not understand, considering I woke up at 7:30. But I've been dancing around the room to audition songs and sitting in awe of Samantha Barks' Eponine portrayal and just generally being happy, which is awesome considering today was hump day in the truest sense of the phrase for me.
I posted this tweet earlier:
Despite the improved mood, this is most definitely what I want/need right now. I would just melt into a puddle of bliss.
Now that I have veered off into a hundred different directions, I will sign off for the night. You never know WHAT you'll get on this blog. I mean, I barely know.
Also my radiator is freaking me the crap out right now. It's like there's a tiny little man in there playing the drums.
I am actually quite proud of myself. I know it's only 1 month out of 12, but I was quite afraid I would forget or decide it wasn't important or fall asleep. Internet accountability is a powerful thing, I'm here to tell you.
What I have slacked on a bit is my journal, but I've been pretty straightforward in my vlogs, so I don't feel too bad. And I do comprehensive catch-ups if I miss too many days. Yay for documenting absolutely every part of my life?
So welcome to February! This is a weird month. But for me, even the name sounds like love. I've never had a valentine (until this year! Eeee!) but I have always loved Valentine's Day. It's the day I shamelessly eat the pound of See's chocolates my dad buys me! Or, college edition, the day I shamelessly eat whatever chocolate is in the vending machines. ...that's sad.
Valentine's Day is actually the day Dan first came onto my radar. That was the day he sent me the message on Facebook asking me to coffee. Unbeknownst to him, of course. I feel like most single men are somewhat oblivious of Valentine's Day. Us women, however. Hell no. We KNOW when that day is coming, and if we're dreading it or looking forward to the big ass teddy bear and box of (cheap) chocolate we may or may not get from our kind of steady boyfriend. Which never happened to me, by the way. Except for the year I was given roses and chocolate and a mix CD from a boy in my French class... and I was seriously beyond flattered but couldn't return the feelings. Which made me sad a little. But you can't tell your heart what to do, ya know?
Oh, high school.
ANYWAYS. Where is this post going?? I feel like I should have saved the above for Feb. 14, buuuttt whatever comes out of my mind gets posted, so that's that.
It's late and I have an amazing amount of energy that I do not understand, considering I woke up at 7:30. But I've been dancing around the room to audition songs and sitting in awe of Samantha Barks' Eponine portrayal and just generally being happy, which is awesome considering today was hump day in the truest sense of the phrase for me.
I posted this tweet earlier:
Now that I have veered off into a hundred different directions, I will sign off for the night. You never know WHAT you'll get on this blog. I mean, I barely know.
Also my radiator is freaking me the crap out right now. It's like there's a tiny little man in there playing the drums.
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