The Quad Makes Me Feel

I'm walking through the quad right now, on the way to Reeve's room for some final quality bonding.
Not many people left on campus; only a half-body sunburn to remind me of the swarm of graduates here just hours ago. Another class, moving forward. Like we all must.
I'm learning to accept the flow of change, though I can't fight the heaviness in my heart, leaving all the people I love, the place that has become my home, my whole life.
I don't know if ill ever feel like I'm soaking it in enough. But I couldn't be more grateful for the moments Vassar has given me so far, the ones in which I have never felt more alive. 

happenings

Here we are, over ten days since my last post and finally at the end of the year. I finished last Friday, but couldn't settle myself down enough to write. Only now, all my stuff moved out of my room and into Angela's, freshly showered, sitting with the lights off and just a hint of natural light peeking through the shades. Angela's sleeping, the fan is whirring, I am at peace. Finally.

A lot has happened in the past ten days. Some things I thought wouldn't ever happen. It's incredible the way people evolve and feelings change and life pulls you in a new direction, but really it isn't new and it's the direction you've been denying yourself for too long.

I'm single. It feels strange. It feels new and better than I thought it could. I realized recently that I'm a serial dater. I haven't been single (or, at the very least, emotionally single) since I was 16. I've always needed to feel attached to someone in order to feel truly worthy. I'd constantly be worrying no one would ever like me. In high school, that felt like my reality. My dad told me it was because they were 'intimidated by my height, beauty and intelligence.' This made me appreciate my dad, but didn't make me feel much different.

I was pretty much that same person up until this year. After the huge blowout breakup in the late winter of 2011, I knew I wouldn't take as much shit as before. But, still. Unable to say no, I pursued any relationship that presented itself. After all, the most important thing to me was that I was in a relationship. I truly thought it made me better.

Fast forward to now, and I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the ways in which I have changed. It's immense. I pity the old Sarah, though I appreciate her. I'm glad for those feelings, those experiences. They helped me to know what it is I want now.

I want to know me. I still have a lifetime of growing to do, and I want to spend some time with myself, living for myself. Finally. I want to embrace every moment, and I need to be entirely present for that. Not constantly attached to my phone, conjuring up empty passion and hurting people in the process.

I'm different and I'm proud and I'm ready to take on this next chapter. At a certain point, you just have to do it for you. Only for you. Life's short enough, ya know?

Project 365 #I'm gonna stop numbering them

Day 109. 4.18.12

My sister turns 16, the sunset is beautiful. It's fitting.

Day 110. 4.19.12

Signs for HAIR.

Day 111. 4.20.12

Walking back to campus after our first outdoor run for the show.

Day 112. 4.21.12

Protesting in the Quad

This is a still from the video from that day... but it's one of my favorite captured moments ever.

Day 113 4.22.12

Dining hall protest; more people, so fun.

Day 114. 4.23.12

Is this a new level of cheating?

Got a bit of chat time in with the best friend. She gets me and she can make me laugh foreva.

Day 115 4.24.12

Isaac gets his head shaved for the show.

Day 116. 4.25.12

Posters! Hung outside my door.

Day 117. 4.26.12

Opening night! Had to be in the Aula, but it was beautiful still.

Day 118 4.27.12

Everyone running around, trying to get warm for our FREEZING outdoor performance.

but it was so amazing.

(extra shot from cast party. I'm in love with this one)

Day 119. 4.28.12

Founder's Day! This is my favorite shot for whatever reason. It's just weird and perfect.

Founder's Day was mostly good but not as good as last year.

Also, never ride spinny rides ever again ugh

Day 120. 4.29.12

Closing performance! It was a bit warmer and just beautiful.

Day 121. 4.30.12

Last Sources class.

That frown is the fakest frown that has ever been frowned.

Day 122. 5.1.12

First night of 24/7 quiet hours.

Vassar has a Silent Rave

Typical.

Day 123. 5.2.12

Last day of Actor's Craft! Pretty sad about this one, actually.

Day 124. 5.3.12

veggie sushi with the girls. yumyumyum.

Evolution.

I had a Vegan Shortbread cookie. I put it in the bottom of my bag. It is now a pouch of vegan cookie crumbles.

I wanted to work. I needed to do three loads of laundry. Laundry won.

I had photos taken of me. By cameras now uncommonly used. 1920s, 1950s. Each felt as if it carried more weight than the last. These photos mattered. They took time. No sifting through 500 shots; you get 12, that's all. Make the most of them.

I had a friend over. We started sitting up, he in a chair and I on my bed. We ended on the floor, my head in his lap, drifting into dreamland as John Legend played in the background.

The days evolve. Things change, become more or less beautiful. Life keeps going.

real.

It's hard when life is great and happiness should abound but feelings of insecurity and a severe lack of self-worth stand in the way of feeling the good.

I just want to understand what's wrong, to know if it's serious or just... normal human stuff. I want to stop overanalyzing everything I do and say, the way I look and dress, the way people treat me. I want to be confident that I am a person worth spending time with, worth knowing.

I feel confident about so little these days, even though I sometimes refuse to acknowledge it. I'm here and I'm so lucky and I'm not sad. Just overwhelmed with thoughts, 24/7. Not giving myself credit, not thinking I'm enough.

It's a lot, and it hurts.

Paint by List

Things I did today:

-Woke up (and the crowd goes wiiiiilllddd)
-Hauled three bags of 'love' across campus for my Actor's Craft final scene
-Performed said scene
-Attended and took snarky notes during Programming Training for next year
-Ate a huge salad and made my own balsamic vinaigrette
-Called the post office to find out I need $222 for my expedited passport (OH GOOD)
-Went to a tour guide meeting; met the newbies
-Turned in some financial reimbursement forms
-Went to FWA interviews
-Ate another huge salad
-Talked to hallway dwellers
-Sat unproductively in the library for 3 hours.
-Hung out with Char, Danielle, and Antonio in Dani's room.

So clearly my productivity curves steeply downwards toward the end. But otherwise I had a ridiculously busy/clerical/productive day considering it is the first day of STUDY WEEK

(study what?)

May

I woke up to rain on this first day of May. Fitting and unsurprising seeing as how the weather has been rebelling since October. But today I savored the rain, since it made me think of how I will soon be home, able to cuddle up with a beverage and a book, though it probably won't be wet outside.

Though the thought of glorified laze excites me, this is the least anxious I've been to go home since I left for Vassar. I'm not sure whether it's how wonderful this semester/HAIR has been, the fact that I don't want to believe I'm halfway through college, or if home is just less appealing. A combination of the three, I'm sure. It's a strange sensation. I'm not itching to get back to the west coast. I think I've finally tipped the scales; there are more people that matter here (even though the important people at home matter more). I'm only invested in a few relationships back home; my life, piece by piece, is moving over here. Less of me stays in San Diego each time I leave. It doesn't mean I don't love it, or my family and friends. I just... love it here a little more. This is my identity.

It kind of scares me that I'm not pumped about going home. Will I be unhappy halfway through the summer? Should I miss it more? What do my feelings say about me? Maybe I'm just becoming a more independent being.

I should really just focus on how grateful I am that a decision made largely on a whim and a gut feeling is keeping me so happy two years later. How did I know? How did I know this place would be where I found true love, true happiness, true friends? True struggles, too, but that's part of the package. And I'm glad.

I can't wait to have time to read dozens of books and sing songs and exercise and make money and relax on the beach... but I also can't wait to get back here (OK, Moscow first) and keep reveling in the best years of my life.

I sometimes think we are insane to ever wish to go home. Because, shit, these years are priceless. And we'll only live them once.