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I've had so many thoughts in my head that I've wanted to write about but haven't spent any time with the blank page. Ahhh, here we are.

Well. You know. Now I don't know what to say. My brain is like WHOA SO MANY THINGS IN HERE, MAN.

Let's see. Yesterday evening was not awesome. I was stressed because RUSSIA and I have like eightyhundred books to buy and read and HIV tests to take and Visa applications to fill out and I can't breathe under it all. Also those creepy crawly totally bitchy feelings of INADEQUACY. We've dealt with this before, amiright? Wow are you overwhelmed by the amount of CAPS?

This is not a post in which I attempt to write eloquently. CLEARLY.

I had a long, wonderful heart to heart with my dad last night, though. I was in tears, natch. Feeling intense physical anxiety, something I hardly ever experience. That is not me. I don't want to be that person. And he just came into my room and asked me, simply, what I was feeling.

And the floodgates opened.

I cried and he listened and he related and we laughed. We smiled and sighed and hugged. It was beautiful and I wish I could have written it all down, have it all on tape, something. My dad is the most patient, kind, caring, loving person I know. And damn, we are so alike. He gives the best advice because he has been there. And if he hasn't been there he tries. He listens and then he tries as best he can to understand and help. And sometimes, an almost grown girl still needs her dad's help.

Speaking of growing, I think I have another inch on me. Woke up feeling taller and measured against my dad, who was previously the second shortest person in the family. I think he's the shortest now.

Before the night brought on the anxiety, we had a family day. Bagels and coffee with The Sunday Morning Show in the AM... followed by some afternoon tennis and a reward in the form of Nicky Rotten's, down on First Ave. We shared garlic fries and I had the most beautiful caprese salad. Life was so sweet yesterday.

I promptly forgot that when I stared at the red and bolded text in all the emails from NTI (National Theater Institute) about Moscow. Sometimes the world just feels so small and then suddenly your problems are so big and nothing else in the world could be worse and it will never get better.

And then you breathe.
Or cry, and talk to your dad and realize all this internal shit? Needs to stop, because it's not helping anyone. Worrying does nothing. Everyone with me: Worrying. Does. Nothing. I preach it but I don't practice and I'm trying. So hard I am trying to live outside myself sometimes and put my whole damn life in perspective.

Look around at what I have.
Wake up grateful every day.

I'm here and I'm living and I'm embracing my fuckups, my weaknesses, my weird ass quirks.

Acknowledge what could have been done better, make a note for next time and move the hell on.

This little piece of writing is incongruent and all over the place but it's what my heart needed to say and it's where my fingers fell on the keys.
And it feels so nice.

OOTD: Patriot

Oh, don't worry, I'm still awful at documenting my (minimal) fashion. 

But I thought I'd share my vibrant ensemble because I'm quite proud that I am unmistakably redwhiteandblue today.

*~modeling~* 

hahaha well this is just fun for everyone.

I got this shirt as a birthday gift! Thank goodness.

Just a simple white bandeau underneath. It was $3 at a resale shop.

And the pants! 

(I got creative in showing you)

I bought these pants at Ross over winter break! 

You're thinking two things right now:

Pants?! Yes, pants! It wasn't hot at all this year. Kind of cold and gloomy out; even a few raindrops!

You might also be thinking red pants?! YES. I love them, though I do have to muster up some courage to wear them. Not on this day, though! 

You can't be judged on this day.

Celebrating 20

June 29th was my 20th birthday! 

I hadn't had a real party since I turned 14, so I decided this was the year.

I was really bad at documenting the details, but in essence, the theme was... beachy, with food inspired by all of my birthday parties of the past. It was easy, fun, and delicious. We ate cucumber sandwiches (1st birthday), fruit kabobs (9th), hummingbird cake (my all-time favorite as a kid), grilled cheese (8th), chips and salsa/guac, potato salad (4th), and the list goes on. We drank mom's iced tea, lemon limeade, and Rev3! We also had the chocolate fountain going, of course. Can't have a party without that beauty. 

I decided I didn't want any disposable cups or water bottles at my party; I didn't think all of that waste was necessary. Instead, I killed 2 birds with one stone and decorated mason jars for everybody to use as cups... that they could also take home as party favors. I know, I sold my souls to the hipsters. But I don't think hipsters do party favors...or birthday parties, for that matter, so I'm good.

Here's the set up of the table in the courtyard, where music played and we danced a bit (ok, mostly me)

 

We also found some straws with umbrellas hanging out in the garage...perfect!

I'm gonna find a close up picture of the mason jars so I can explain how I decorated them.

Later, we had a bonfire out front.

The whole crew (minus a few) (RHYME)

Even though I am positively sure now that I like going to parties more than hosting them, and I like cuddling at home with a book more than going to parties (on most days), this was a great birthday and it was really wonderful to have all these people in my home. Let's see... 7 of those people in that photograph, I hadn't seen for over a year; some not since graduation! It was like a mini-reunion and I can honestly say that it was GREAT to see all of these wonderful people. It made me so happy. I think I might also do a post on the gifts because they were all so thoughtful and sweet. 

I have felt like I was twenty for quite some time now, but I haven't felt that twenty was old (comparatively) until... right now. Really, I just thought about how strange it is that I'm in my twenties. I have completed two whole decades. I didn't do much to commemorate that fact, or my exiting the teen years, though I did do a dramatic reading of the letter I wrote to myself when I was 10. I should post what that looked like, too. It was quite interesting, but honestly? Not much has changed. I still have many of the same dreams and goals. Damn that feels good. Consistency in my life.

Everybody says 19 and 20 are boring. I will admit, it's true about 19. It's a conflicting age, because no one really knows how to feel about the end of their teens. At least, I didn't. Fear of the unknown, I guess. How do we be 'in our twenties'? What does that look like, feel like? I kept feeling indecisive about whether I wanted to slow everything down or speed it up. 

Twenty is a fresh start, in many ways. I can make my twenties whatever I want them to be. True, 20 is just dangling 21 right in front of your face mercilessly, but it's a great age to be old enough to savor your youth but young enough to still enjoy it. It's a nice round number. Probably the year before real life makes everything messy. (Me in a bar in a year? Messy).

I'm glad I made it to 20 in one piece. I like it here.

swell.

I'm 20. It's July. Everything's new.

Some say spring is the season of rebirth and renewal, but for me, this year, it's summer. I feel different. I am different.

I'm experiencing a lot of (really wonderful) emotions that I haven't felt in so long. This makes me have hope. I feel passion, excitement, a fresh perspective and changed priorities.

People are beautiful and they deserve patience and love. Some people are not so beautiful, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve love. Just no more patience. They are dismissed, and for the better. There's way too much ahead to be worried about what has been left behind.

But mostly, it's beauty I see. The kind we don't stop to take in. The kind we take for granted in our family, our friends, our surroundings. When you actually realize how much love is around you, it will take your breath away.

It's crazy when new feelings spring up and the timing is perfect because they could have happened at any time in the past year but your heart chose now and it feels so right. And you're sure. When you can't take your mind off of someone, and you're sure.

It's funny because I've exited my teen years and now I feel like a giddy bubbly everything-for-the-first-time 8th grader. It's so good. It reminds me that age is but a number and there are so many possibilities.

That's it, right there. So many possibilities. Every day, for the rest of our lives. To take advantage of—to appreciate— just one... it's the best feeling in the world.

Peach Cobbler Scones

Is this a baking blog now?? 

Maybe just a Joy the Baker copycat blog. 

Yes, that sounds accurate.

I made her Peach Cobbler Scones.

 Check out her full, detailed, beautiful picture-laden post, but I'm gonna tell you how it went down in my kitchen.

Ingredient Roundup!

Taking a picture is so much better than a list.

Ok, here we go. If you're playing along, preheat the oven to 400.

Dry ingredients!

Sifted the flour (3 cups)

FYI..while I was doing this, Danae and Hannah were doing Google searches like this:

And I labored on.

1/4 cup sugar.

 *artsy*

Three tsp of this:

 1/2 tsp of this:

 Cubed the butter (a stick and a half because i subbed butter for the shortening)

 

The butter was 'cut in,' a term I had to Google and a term I'm pretty sure I've Googled before.

I think I know now. Also I found out AFTER these were done that we had a pastry cutter. But you should have seen me strugglin' with two butter knives. Good times.

Ok once the butter is cut in, go ahead and add those wet ingredients!

(That would be the beaten egg, 3/4 cup buttermilk, and a tsp of vanilla extract)

 

Get it all nice and incorporated into a dough...

Now KNEAD.

After you've kneaded and rolled it out into a 12" x 10" rectangle (or somewhere thereabouts), brush some buttermilk onto one half of the dough:

Mix some cinnamon (3/4 tsp) and sugar (2 tbsp) ... everyone's favorite activity.

 

Ignore creepy hand under glass.

I used about 3 small peaches to layer the one side of dough.... I would suggest to use more!

Sprinkle the cinnasugar on top!

 (Be generous, now)

 Skipped a couple steps here. Fold over the dough, cut into 8 pieces (or more! these are big).

Brush more buttermilk on top of every scone, and sprinkle with MORE cinnasugar! Yay!

 Throw 'em in the oven for about 15 minutes, let cool for a bit just so we don't burn anyone's tongue off, and serve with ice cream!

 Aaannd a close-up of the beauties: 

 

What's the Verdict?

Well. I ate two, so, there's that.  

But f'real, these were good. The dough is fantastic. I think it's the buttermilk that really makes it. The cinnasugar was not overpowering. I love that taste so I could have stood more. 

I would definitely add more peaches. That was my fam's one criticism as well. A LOT of dough, not enough peach flavor. I also only had white peaches that may or may not have been totally ripe. I would try to find yellow peaches next time. It would be prettier, too.

I also might make them smaller. I ate two because I'm insane, and it was spaced out over 3 hours. But it's a lot to get through, and not the lightest thing in the world (but also not the heaviest).

These are pretty simple to make, a crowd pleaser, and a little different than a normal cake, pie, cookie, y'know. 

Try them! And then go make everything else Joy the Baker has.

*fangirling*

Baked Brie Bites

I feel like we've safely determined I'm not a food blogger. My camera is not good enough and I forget to take pictures of every step. Still, I press on. 

SO, Baked Brie Bites.

I'm trying to work my way through my 'Good Eats' board on Pinterest. 

This recipe is from Joy the Baker, who I am now obsessed with (and OMG her most recent post is peach cobbler scones ineedthem).

The bites started out with fillo dough. Little rectangles of it.

I beat an egg for the eggwash...

and starting painting it onto half the fillo rectangles (the bottom half)

I used Président Brie. I believe it's my favorite.

Of course I was generous...

On top of the brie wedge, I put a dollop of raspberry preserves (my favorite).

This brand is new to me but I LOVE it.

I was generous with that, too.

Put another fillo dough rectangle on top of the jam.

Brush a little more eggwash on the top.

Stick 'em in a 375 degree oven and watch them (it takes about 5 minutes or less)

and voilà!

My rectangles were too small and they weren't staying together so I also tried things like this:

These ones were my favorite.

What's the verdict?

How can you really go wrong with melty brie and preserves?

You can't, but next time I'll use fewer layers of fillo, and newer fillo that hadn't had too much time to defrost (mine was a little too dry to work with).

Other than that, they were a hit!! 

Father's Day in Pictures

We started the day pretty early, with breakfast in bed for dad and cards from all. Was too bleary eyed to even think about my camera. 

But, of course, once the food was set out, I perked up nicely. 

The grandparents came over around 11 to this beautiful spread:

Fruit salad with maple honey glaze.

Egg salad, homemade by mama.

All sorts of bagels.

Berry infused water

The DADS.

berry water & coffee. Two servings, please.

Granparents' dog, Rocket. He could be in the movies.

Some artsy photography.

Dad and Hannah

Me and Dad

Rocket and me

Going through pictures from 1996

Rocket wanted in on the action.

We all wore our sombreros down to the beach.

Gramps kept his on.

Hannah walked Rocket down the boardwalk.

Just beautiful.

Mom and Dad, being sweet.

We found Tyler at work! 

Family shot

Sleeping tourists

Hannah (as MirandaSings, disapproves)

Mr. Sandman (but actually, that's his name) visited the beach

Dad being silly

Girlz

I love him, too!

Gorgeous day at the beach

Once back from the beach, I got hungry, so I grabbed a leftover bagel, and...

BAM. 

Veggie cream cheese, hummus, onions, tomato, kale, avocado.

The rest of the afternoon and evening (until midnight) was spent watching home videos.

This was the first time we had seen most of them.

My parents even confessed they had never watched the video of my birth.

We did that.

It wasn't graphic, but it was certainly up close and personal. I got really emotional, I guess just because it was such a strange sensation to see myself come into the world, to see my parents just getting to know me, when I've only experienced them knowing me so well, better than anyone else. I felt an entirely new sensation. It was amazing to watch that instant love happen, though.

Here's a screenshot from a 1996 movie. This is my brother's 6th birthday. 

I'm in the center, age 4. 

Hope everyone had a lovely Father's Day, or simply a great Sunday.

I'm very grateful today and always.