Tuesday, February 26, 2013

what blog?

All i want is to write something creative and get my words/thoughts/feelings/LIFE out but everything is crazy and busy and scary and GREAT and spring break is in less than two weeks WHAT?

It's 12:30am and I'm settling in to write paper #1 of the semester. Paper #1 since... May of last year. Since we weren't required to write anything academic in Russia, I am so out of practice. But this time, trepidation and procrastination are NOT the reasons I am writing feverishly on the eve of the due date.

This is show week! And I was in tech all damn weekend. I can actually say with complete confidence and little guilt that I had no large chunk of time this past week in which to write this paper.

(But i'm sort of excited about it. It's for my favorite class -- my religion class -- and I have endless things to say. I can't promise all [or any] of them will be incredibly intelligent or original, but they are things. I have ideas. thankgod).

Back to show week.

I can't wait to present this play to our community. The House of The Spirits. It's fantastically beautiful — both the script and the production. It's a shame we only had 5 weeks to produce it, though. (our read through was just a month ago!) You can never be 'finished' with a show. There is always more to work on. And though I feel we are in an incredible place, I know we could go so much further with a few extra weeks.

But here we are. And I love where we've ended up. I hope to write more about what I've experienced with this play in the past month; I've really felt my growth, time and time again. I've sunk my teeth into this one, and it's a damn good feeling.

but oh shit it's almost 1am and I have to write 5 pages by morning.

time for the twix bar the vending machine so generously provided me with.

it's raining and i'm happy.

Friday, February 8, 2013


the snow has been falling since 11am and i could watch it tumble down like this forever.

i opened my window and stuck my head out to smell the freshest icy air. i breathed as deep as i could, and remembered moscow. such a treat for my senses, i felt lucky to be alive. i wish you could have smelled the air -- it was everything.

a gust of wind blew in my direction, and with it came a spray of snowflakes. i laughed, pure joy. leaned back in and shut the window, still staring out at the glittering white blanket. unable to pull myself away, enchanted.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

wind on all sides, 1:30am

I thought I was back into my writing groove...

I was wrong.

The post about Moscow that I started three weeks ago is sitting neglected on the bottom right corner of my desktop. I look at it and think about, but can't go back to it.

It might be time to force it. When I don't write my brain is way too full and I'm unfocused. My thoughts and feelings aren't thought out and therefore don't seem real. Just fragments floating.

January is gone now, 1/12 of the year that just began. I'm back at school, back in the place that used to be the happiest on earth for me. It's not, now. I don't have a 'happiest place' at the moment. Which is okay. The bright lights of the future are distracting and inspiring me. I've changed. Am changing.

Still, very happy here, and so grateful that Vassar gives me the freedom to grow.
I'm a different student, a different friend, a different actor, a different person in solitude.

All of this makes my Vassar existence infinitely more fulfilling than it has been.

I'm growing up!
It's fucking beautiful.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


On January 1, 2012, I wrote that I wanted to look for inspiration, satisfaction, and love around me. 

This year, I need to find those things within me. 

I have a lot of thinking to do, a lot of writing to do, to help understand the transformation I've experienced in the last year -- but really, the last three months. 

I barely recognize the pictures of myself from the first half of 2012, and I'm not sure how I dubbed myself "the happiest I've ever been." Who knows? Maybe I was, until I lived these 12 months. I liberated myself, experienced another part of the world, met a group of like-minded people who respect me, figured out who I really want and need in my life. 

I know what I want my life to look like. I love where I'm headed, and who's on the journey with me. 

What I need to do, now, is begin a different, inner journey. To fall in love with myself. To stop judging myself and actually (this time I really mean it) stop using anyone else's standards as my own. I must really get to know myself so that I can love myself, the way I deserve to be loved. 

My resolutions:

Gratitude journal, every day.
Date myself for 6 months.
Time my headstands/shoulder stands, every day.
Live with intention, and take ACTION to achieve self-love and success in everything I do.

I'm finally waking up. The lightbulb has gone off, and I'm new. It has nothing to do with the changing of the calendar, though my realization has coincided with the new year nicely. 

Aiming to be completely truthful, completely loving, completely motivated, completely purposeful this year.