What a crazy ass week.
Sitting here in the hotel in Atlanta, after night three of family partying. It's equal parts rejuvenating and exhausting, but my heart is so full of joy.
I missed my immediate family so much and now I've been with them for 24 hours and there's already venom flying. It's hard and we're tired and it's always a weird transition going from completely independent college student to living by the parents' rules. At least I know we love each other and that won't change. Still, I'm thinking internship in the city next summer.
I'll be back in CA by Monday evening. I need to be in my own space. I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time alone this summer. For a lot of reasons, but mainly because I need to reconnect with myself. To know what I want and where I need to go. How to be. How to live.
Bedtime. Sleep is the cure for many ills.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
just something
I'm trying to get back in the swing of posting every day. What I REALLY need to do is journal about the past two weeks but it's such an overwhelming amount of events and feelings that I can't even start.
I have to get up in four hours. My aunt is driving me to Newark at 6:15, where I will sit and wait for my 11:40 flight to Chicago. I'll sit in Chicago from 12:50 to 3:20. And then I'll be in Atlanta around 6:15 tomorrow night. So I guess I will have plenty of time to catch up on the writing.
But I'm okay with sitting. I need to just sit. To be forced to relax, to experience a moment of nothingness, to feel time move like molasses, since it has done nothing but zip by the past few weeks.
I can't breathe deeply and I have to pee again.
Why am I still up?
I have to get up in four hours. My aunt is driving me to Newark at 6:15, where I will sit and wait for my 11:40 flight to Chicago. I'll sit in Chicago from 12:50 to 3:20. And then I'll be in Atlanta around 6:15 tomorrow night. So I guess I will have plenty of time to catch up on the writing.
But I'm okay with sitting. I need to just sit. To be forced to relax, to experience a moment of nothingness, to feel time move like molasses, since it has done nothing but zip by the past few weeks.
I can't breathe deeply and I have to pee again.
Why am I still up?
Monday, May 21, 2012
Project 365
Day 125 5.4.12
Micah, an Admissions Officer, used his old cameras to do a photo shoot with me.
These old cameras hide nothing.
How grateful I am for Photoshop. But also, fuck it. This is my face.
Day 126 5.5.12
Two for this day because I can.
Shakespeare's R&J between the CIS and Old Laundry buildings
Also, on the roof of Kenyon.
Day 127 5.6.12
ALL night in the library. But seriously. Stayed until 3am.
With Danielle, Char (pictured) and Antonio.
Glasses are Char's.
Day 128 5.7.12
The Phillies! (student theater awards)
With Madie up top.
Mel, Elizabeth, Julia, Molly, and Hannah below
Day 129 5.8.12
On the way to the Admissions office for a tour, eating a FREE ice cream bar.
Free ice cream and iced tea for study week? Vassar is seriously the best.
Day 130 5.9.12
HAPPY FINALS. ha. ha.
This was after an all-nighter. The night previous, primal scream happened.
The seniors streaked through the library. All was happy for a blissful moment.
Day 131 5.10.12
Old Hollywood party for Kelley Van Dilla's birthday.
Julia in a lovely wig on the left.
Day 132 5.11.12
A toast to the end of finals (and the end of sophomore year) with Madie.
Her dad brought the champagne.
God this was a fantastic feeling. Kinda like this:
Day 133 5.12.12
A glorious day up by the lake.
Also the first time I had Rita's:
Day 134 5.13.12
Last day with all three of us together.
I love these girls so much.
They will always feel like home.
(oh and this was Mother's Day! Got a good Skype in with the fam)
Day 135 5.14.12
Walking all over campus to watch DRAM102 projects. Oh, memories.
This is beauty in its truest form.
Family.
Day 136 5.15.12
Just walking. Not sure where from or to, but Vassar takes my breath away often.
Day 137 5.16.12
Walkway Over the Hudson.
My first time. Tim and Angela, what better company?
[This was also the day eightinthemorning I moved ALL my stuff into Angela's room. Around eight trips from Main to Noyes. It was utterly miserable]
Day 138 5.17.12
Reeve and I made up a scavenger hunt after spending an hour on the quad.
Later, glitter at a VSA party.
Day 139 5.18.12
A trip to the local swimming hole.
(Everyone kept calling it a watering hole, but that is a BAR, people. Not a body of water.)
The first picture is one of my favorite instagrams yet.
Day 140 5.19.12
OK this was a great day.
FREE CHAMPAGNE in UpC + a wedding cover band. Pic#1 shows me singing 'Soul Man' to Jake.
Thank you, OGMS Show Choir 2005.
The bottom two are from the midnight bonfire. Seniors burn things.
Day 141 5.20.12
Commencement. Good, long, emotional day.
An entire post about it coming your way soon.
Day 142 5.21.12
On the train to Dobbs Ferry.
Also sums up how I feel about leaving Vassar.
And with that, let summer begin.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
The Quad Makes Me Feel
I'm walking through the quad right now, on the way to Reeve's room for some final quality bonding.
Not many people left on campus; only a half-body sunburn to remind me of the swarm of graduates here just hours ago. Another class, moving forward. Like we all must.
I'm learning to accept the flow of change, though I can't fight the heaviness in my heart, leaving all the people I love, the place that has become my home, my whole life.
I don't know if ill ever feel like I'm soaking it in enough. But I couldn't be more grateful for the moments Vassar has given me so far, the ones in which I have never felt more alive.
Not many people left on campus; only a half-body sunburn to remind me of the swarm of graduates here just hours ago. Another class, moving forward. Like we all must.
I'm learning to accept the flow of change, though I can't fight the heaviness in my heart, leaving all the people I love, the place that has become my home, my whole life.
I don't know if ill ever feel like I'm soaking it in enough. But I couldn't be more grateful for the moments Vassar has given me so far, the ones in which I have never felt more alive.
Friday, May 18, 2012
happenings
Here we are, over ten days since my last post and finally at the end of the year. I finished last Friday, but couldn't settle myself down enough to write. Only now, all my stuff moved out of my room and into Angela's, freshly showered, sitting with the lights off and just a hint of natural light peeking through the shades. Angela's sleeping, the fan is whirring, I am at peace. Finally.
A lot has happened in the past ten days. Some things I thought wouldn't ever happen. It's incredible the way people evolve and feelings change and life pulls you in a new direction, but really it isn't new and it's the direction you've been denying yourself for too long.
I'm single. It feels strange. It feels new and better than I thought it could. I realized recently that I'm a serial dater. I haven't been single (or, at the very least, emotionally single) since I was 16. I've always needed to feel attached to someone in order to feel truly worthy. I'd constantly be worrying no one would ever like me. In high school, that felt like my reality. My dad told me it was because they were 'intimidated by my height, beauty and intelligence.' This made me appreciate my dad, but didn't make me feel much different.
I was pretty much that same person up until this year. After the huge blowout breakup in the late winter of 2011, I knew I wouldn't take as much shit as before. But, still. Unable to say no, I pursued any relationship that presented itself. After all, the most important thing to me was that I was in a relationship. I truly thought it made me better.
Fast forward to now, and I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the ways in which I have changed. It's immense. I pity the old Sarah, though I appreciate her. I'm glad for those feelings, those experiences. They helped me to know what it is I want now.
I want to know me. I still have a lifetime of growing to do, and I want to spend some time with myself, living for myself. Finally. I want to embrace every moment, and I need to be entirely present for that. Not constantly attached to my phone, conjuring up empty passion and hurting people in the process.
I'm different and I'm proud and I'm ready to take on this next chapter. At a certain point, you just have to do it for you. Only for you. Life's short enough, ya know?
A lot has happened in the past ten days. Some things I thought wouldn't ever happen. It's incredible the way people evolve and feelings change and life pulls you in a new direction, but really it isn't new and it's the direction you've been denying yourself for too long.
I'm single. It feels strange. It feels new and better than I thought it could. I realized recently that I'm a serial dater. I haven't been single (or, at the very least, emotionally single) since I was 16. I've always needed to feel attached to someone in order to feel truly worthy. I'd constantly be worrying no one would ever like me. In high school, that felt like my reality. My dad told me it was because they were 'intimidated by my height, beauty and intelligence.' This made me appreciate my dad, but didn't make me feel much different.
I was pretty much that same person up until this year. After the huge blowout breakup in the late winter of 2011, I knew I wouldn't take as much shit as before. But, still. Unable to say no, I pursued any relationship that presented itself. After all, the most important thing to me was that I was in a relationship. I truly thought it made me better.
Fast forward to now, and I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the ways in which I have changed. It's immense. I pity the old Sarah, though I appreciate her. I'm glad for those feelings, those experiences. They helped me to know what it is I want now.
I want to know me. I still have a lifetime of growing to do, and I want to spend some time with myself, living for myself. Finally. I want to embrace every moment, and I need to be entirely present for that. Not constantly attached to my phone, conjuring up empty passion and hurting people in the process.
I'm different and I'm proud and I'm ready to take on this next chapter. At a certain point, you just have to do it for you. Only for you. Life's short enough, ya know?
Monday, May 7, 2012
Project 365 #I'm gonna stop numbering them
Day 109. 4.18.12
My sister turns 16, the sunset is beautiful. It's fitting.
Day 110. 4.19.12
Signs for HAIR.
Day 111. 4.20.12
Walking back to campus after our first outdoor run for the show.
Day 112. 4.21.12
Protesting in the Quad
This is a still from the video from that day... but it's one of my favorite captured moments ever.
Day 113 4.22.12
Dining hall protest; more people, so fun.
Day 114. 4.23.12
Is this a new level of cheating?
Got a bit of chat time in with the best friend. She gets me and she can make me laugh foreva.
Day 115 4.24.12
Isaac gets his head shaved for the show.
Day 116. 4.25.12
Posters! Hung outside my door.
Day 117. 4.26.12
Opening night! Had to be in the Aula, but it was beautiful still.
Day 118 4.27.12
Everyone running around, trying to get warm for our FREEZING outdoor performance.
but it was so amazing.
(extra shot from cast party. I'm in love with this one)
Day 119. 4.28.12
Founder's Day! This is my favorite shot for whatever reason. It's just weird and perfect.
Founder's Day was mostly good but not as good as last year.
Also, never ride spinny rides ever again ugh
Day 120. 4.29.12
Closing performance! It was a bit warmer and just beautiful.
Day 121. 4.30.12
Last Sources class.
That frown is the fakest frown that has ever been frowned.
Day 122. 5.1.12
First night of 24/7 quiet hours.
Vassar has a Silent Rave
Typical.
Day 123. 5.2.12
Last day of Actor's Craft! Pretty sad about this one, actually.
Day 124. 5.3.12
veggie sushi with the girls. yumyumyum.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Evolution.
I had a Vegan Shortbread cookie. I put it in the bottom of my bag. It is now a pouch of vegan cookie crumbles.
I wanted to work. I needed to do three loads of laundry. Laundry won.
I had photos taken of me. By cameras now uncommonly used. 1920s, 1950s. Each felt as if it carried more weight than the last. These photos mattered. They took time. No sifting through 500 shots; you get 12, that's all. Make the most of them.
I had a friend over. We started sitting up, he in a chair and I on my bed. We ended on the floor, my head in his lap, drifting into dreamland as John Legend played in the background.
The days evolve. Things change, become more or less beautiful. Life keeps going.
I wanted to work. I needed to do three loads of laundry. Laundry won.
I had photos taken of me. By cameras now uncommonly used. 1920s, 1950s. Each felt as if it carried more weight than the last. These photos mattered. They took time. No sifting through 500 shots; you get 12, that's all. Make the most of them.
I had a friend over. We started sitting up, he in a chair and I on my bed. We ended on the floor, my head in his lap, drifting into dreamland as John Legend played in the background.
The days evolve. Things change, become more or less beautiful. Life keeps going.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
real.
It's hard when life is great and happiness should abound but feelings of insecurity and a severe lack of self-worth stand in the way of feeling the good.
I just want to understand what's wrong, to know if it's serious or just... normal human stuff. I want to stop overanalyzing everything I do and say, the way I look and dress, the way people treat me. I want to be confident that I am a person worth spending time with, worth knowing.
I feel confident about so little these days, even though I sometimes refuse to acknowledge it. I'm here and I'm so lucky and I'm not sad. Just overwhelmed with thoughts, 24/7. Not giving myself credit, not thinking I'm enough.
It's a lot, and it hurts.
I just want to understand what's wrong, to know if it's serious or just... normal human stuff. I want to stop overanalyzing everything I do and say, the way I look and dress, the way people treat me. I want to be confident that I am a person worth spending time with, worth knowing.
I feel confident about so little these days, even though I sometimes refuse to acknowledge it. I'm here and I'm so lucky and I'm not sad. Just overwhelmed with thoughts, 24/7. Not giving myself credit, not thinking I'm enough.
It's a lot, and it hurts.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Paint by List
Things I did today:
-Woke up (and the crowd goes wiiiiilllddd)
-Hauled three bags of 'love' across campus for my Actor's Craft final scene
-Performed said scene
-Attended and took snarky notes during Programming Training for next year
-Ate a huge salad and made my own balsamic vinaigrette
-Called the post office to find out I need $222 for my expedited passport (OH GOOD)
-Went to a tour guide meeting; met the newbies
-Turned in some financial reimbursement forms
-Went to FWA interviews
-Ate another huge salad
-Talked to hallway dwellers
-Sat unproductively in the library for 3 hours.
-Hung out with Char, Danielle, and Antonio in Dani's room.
So clearly my productivity curves steeply downwards toward the end. But otherwise I had a ridiculously busy/clerical/productive day considering it is the first day of STUDY WEEK
(study what?)
-Woke up (and the crowd goes wiiiiilllddd)
-Hauled three bags of 'love' across campus for my Actor's Craft final scene
-Performed said scene
-Attended and took snarky notes during Programming Training for next year
-Ate a huge salad and made my own balsamic vinaigrette
-Called the post office to find out I need $222 for my expedited passport (OH GOOD)
-Went to a tour guide meeting; met the newbies
-Turned in some financial reimbursement forms
-Went to FWA interviews
-Ate another huge salad
-Talked to hallway dwellers
-Sat unproductively in the library for 3 hours.
-Hung out with Char, Danielle, and Antonio in Dani's room.
So clearly my productivity curves steeply downwards toward the end. But otherwise I had a ridiculously busy/clerical/productive day considering it is the first day of STUDY WEEK
(study what?)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
May
I woke up to rain on this first day of May. Fitting and unsurprising seeing as how the weather has been rebelling since October. But today I savored the rain, since it made me think of how I will soon be home, able to cuddle up with a beverage and a book, though it probably won't be wet outside.
Though the thought of glorified laze excites me, this is the least anxious I've been to go home since I left for Vassar. I'm not sure whether it's how wonderful this semester/HAIR has been, the fact that I don't want to believe I'm halfway through college, or if home is just less appealing. A combination of the three, I'm sure. It's a strange sensation. I'm not itching to get back to the west coast. I think I've finally tipped the scales; there are more people that matter here (even though the important people at home matter more). I'm only invested in a few relationships back home; my life, piece by piece, is moving over here. Less of me stays in San Diego each time I leave. It doesn't mean I don't love it, or my family and friends. I just... love it here a little more. This is my identity.
It kind of scares me that I'm not pumped about going home. Will I be unhappy halfway through the summer? Should I miss it more? What do my feelings say about me? Maybe I'm just becoming a more independent being.
I should really just focus on how grateful I am that a decision made largely on a whim and a gut feeling is keeping me so happy two years later. How did I know? How did I know this place would be where I found true love, true happiness, true friends? True struggles, too, but that's part of the package. And I'm glad.
I can't wait to have time to read dozens of books and sing songs and exercise and make money and relax on the beach... but I also can't wait to get back here (OK, Moscow first) and keep reveling in the best years of my life.
I sometimes think we are insane to ever wish to go home. Because, shit, these years are priceless. And we'll only live them once.
Though the thought of glorified laze excites me, this is the least anxious I've been to go home since I left for Vassar. I'm not sure whether it's how wonderful this semester/HAIR has been, the fact that I don't want to believe I'm halfway through college, or if home is just less appealing. A combination of the three, I'm sure. It's a strange sensation. I'm not itching to get back to the west coast. I think I've finally tipped the scales; there are more people that matter here (even though the important people at home matter more). I'm only invested in a few relationships back home; my life, piece by piece, is moving over here. Less of me stays in San Diego each time I leave. It doesn't mean I don't love it, or my family and friends. I just... love it here a little more. This is my identity.
It kind of scares me that I'm not pumped about going home. Will I be unhappy halfway through the summer? Should I miss it more? What do my feelings say about me? Maybe I'm just becoming a more independent being.
I should really just focus on how grateful I am that a decision made largely on a whim and a gut feeling is keeping me so happy two years later. How did I know? How did I know this place would be where I found true love, true happiness, true friends? True struggles, too, but that's part of the package. And I'm glad.
I can't wait to have time to read dozens of books and sing songs and exercise and make money and relax on the beach... but I also can't wait to get back here (OK, Moscow first) and keep reveling in the best years of my life.
I sometimes think we are insane to ever wish to go home. Because, shit, these years are priceless. And we'll only live them once.
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