Wednesday, February 29, 2012


One day I'll realize I need to blog before my eyes start closing at 1am.

Today is not that day.

The show is going well and I love everyone.

Today was Leap Day and it snowed a lot. It was beautiful. Also wet, but mostly beautiful.

I worked on Dan's anniversary gift and he sent me a tea infuser to replace the one that went missing.

I met Reeve's parents and saw him in them (them in him) so much and it was glorious.

I looked around my room and sighed at the mess that keeps coming back to haunt me, then wrapped a towel around myself and showered and felt better about it.

I read weird news stories and then edited my vlog so I could love humanity again.

I'm always hungry late at night.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

. . . .

I've never been more busy or ready for a pause button.

But I won't bore you with the 'I'm busy' speech. I should be used to it by now.

But wow. You go go go go and then you stop and you realize just how freakin' exhausted you are.

Tomorrow is the once every 4 years day. Are we supposed to do something special for that?

Monday, February 27, 2012

Bald Really Is Beautiful

Today, during my religion class, I looked to my right, and was shocked to see a freshly shaved head. In the weeks previous, this girl had shoulder-length, shiny brown hair. Today it was gone.

This actually happens with some frequency at Vassar. I can name at least four people who have done this in my time here, and that's not even counting the men. I think it's great that these girls are comfortable enough at Vassar to shed something that so many of us hold sacred, in a way. However, I was fairly indifferent to it as a 'look.'

But today, it struck me. I really noticed this girl, really looked at her. She was beautiful. And not just in her face but in her willingness to be 'naked,' in a sense. I definitely hide a lot of things with my hair. If I'm having a good hair day, I feel so much more confident. It keeps my head warm. I spend a lot of money on it to make it look a certain way, to make me prettier. Today I wondered why. When you could look so beautiful, so purely and simply human without it.

Now, granted, I can't see myself shaving my head. Especially with this whole acting thing I'm doing. I'd have a bit of difficulty. Still, I've prided myself on being somewhat unattached to my hair, willing to do whatever is needed to it because of theater, or whatever else.

And I think after seeing that beautiful girl, I'm even more unattached. Like India Arie once crooned, "I Am Not My Hair."

Sunday, February 26, 2012


Spontaneous boyfriend visit = happy Sarah and no time to blog.

This week... I'm scared of it. I'm kind of loving this calm before the storm. Chinese food with Dan, a Breaking Bad episode, long talks and being ridiculous... until shit hits the fan in a bad way tomorrow.

I'll be studying all day.

The fact that I'm NROing Econ is the only thing that's saving me from going completely insane.

That and Dan's hugs. Which are magical. And really warm.

Aaaaand now I want one again. Okbye.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Another Night at the Theater

My Daily Vlogs

Because Danielle can't handle going to YouTube and typing in my username. But hey, she reads the blog. What more can I ask of her?

I went to see VRDT at the Bardavon Theater tonight. They were just fabulous. They make it look so easy. I'm in Abby Saxon's jazz class right now, and let me tell you: Shit. Ain't. Easy. And even when it is, I look absolutely ridiculous for the most part. I try to blame it on my gangly limbs and slightly above average height (and I do think some blame lies with Abby Saxon's petite 4'nothing figure that can look cute doing anything) but I will admit: I am not the cutest in Advanced Beginning Jazz.

I really enjoy watching dance. Sometimes it's a very emotional and moving thing for me. Other times it isn't, and I can feel myself zoning out with pretty background music. Tonight, though, I was engaged pretty much the entire time. The precision, the flow, the grace, the lightness of foot. Also the anger, the yearning, the severity, the sass. It all came through tonight, and my friends up there working it out just perfectly was the icing.

There really is nothing like a night spent with the arts. It is beauty at its best.

(P.S. I saw Dana Cass (also here) tonight and it was just so good to see one of the first people I really knew/looked up to at Vassar—even the times it was kinda from afar. Ish. And she told me she reads my blog (HI DANA). I promise I'm not saying all this because she reads my blog. Dana's great. She's gifted in many respects, writing being but one of them, and her wit inspires me. Also she was in VRDT when she was at Vassar so this is relevant.)

Friday, February 24, 2012


A few days ago, one of the bloggers I follow had a lovely little baby. I'd been watching her pregnancy for the past nine months, and found myself more excited than would seem logical. But I think that's what I love about blogging.

It's weird. To know that someone across the world could be getting a glimpse into my life, just by checking their blog feed or doing a Google search.

But also, to share the simple joys and trials of life across continents? To make friends you might have never met otherwise, to know someone shares your struggle, just to see beautiful things happening when there aren't enough in your life. Or even when there are. To be reminded of the important things.

Whenever I get weirded out about over-sharing and the digital age and all this crazy stuff that didn't exist 30 years ago, I think of this. How much joy I get from reading these stories, seeing these pictures, learning all of these new things! It's amazing to see what we can all offer each other. And how much I feel as if all of these bloggers are my friends (even if I haven't commented once).

So I'm okay with the fact that seeing a baby whose mother I have never met made my day.

Because, to be super cheesy for just a moment, we really are all part of a big, human family. It's wonderful and fascinating and I wouldn't change any of it.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Desiring Nothing

You guyz it's basically the weekend! But it's still tech. At least  I can sleep in tomorrow!

This has been one of the longest weeks this semester. Loving it but also constantly sleep deprived and there's always that nagging feeling of having more to do. It's frustrating, and I want to get to a place where I feel I have nothing more to do than sit on the couch and enjoy a book. But I don't think that will happen any time soon. In college—no matter if school is in session or not—there is always something that could be/needs to be done. It's stressful.

But I imagine it's much like life outside of this bubble, this vortex of sorts.

Madie came over tonight and we talked about our ideal lives, which we could not even decide on because it was so hard to reconcile our careers and our desire for a settled family, both things we hold so dear. Those decisions will have to be made, in some way or another. We can leave them for another day, but still.

There is always something to be done.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Went from being happy light airy focused engaged to tired heavy stressed negative distracted.

I don't quite know why this is.

But I'm gonna go ahead and assume it has something to do with economics. It's just so hard for me to wrap my brain around and be patient enough to figure out. I want a tutor (before the midterm next week?)

I think I'm going to start going to bed early and waking up early to finish homework. My body needs rest and I just can't think straight past a certain hour. I also get really upset when I'm not performing as well as I know I could if I really put some effort into it.

I do want to understand. I want to understand everything that is thrown at me, and I shut down if I don't after a while. I struggled with this throughout middle and high school. My parents put up with so much of this. I'm working on keeping an open mind even when I get frustrated, but it's hard. I get angry with myself and then just totally check out. Or cry. I'm good at that.

I'm trying to stay focused and work out the problems on my own, even if it means carefully combing through my notes or the textbook for many minutes.

I'm trying to do what it takes.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Thoughts on a Tuesday Night

My post from yesterday kind of sounded depressing but it really wasn't. That's just my mind. I think a lot. About weird things. I find myself believing that I think about stuff that NO ONE else does. Not in a lofty way, just as a matter of fact. But I think I give myself too much credit. What I think about just goes unsaid. It's just weird stuff no one really talks about.

My very best friends are the people I can share all of these things with. They are few and they are wonderful. I don't know what I would do if I had to be in my head 100% of the time.

Good friends are the best outlets. When you don't feel like you're working and you can release everything and just be. Let all the words and thoughts and feelings flow and never once think about being judged.

Instead of judged, you're understood.

Which is one of the best feelings there is to be felt.

People just don't take that time anymore. To sit down and work on comprehending the very essence of a friend. I'd like to sit, tucked in a corner of a coffee shop, tracing the outline of my mug and tuning the world out. Focusing on one person. Only them.

I have memories like this, and they are some of my favorites. I regret it every time I pick up my phone or momentarily zone out when I have such precious time with a precious person. There's nothing like that satisfaction of having a pure, uninterrupted human interaction.

Of understanding and being understood.

Monday, February 20, 2012

How Much Time?

I'm thinking about old things. Past things. Things that I loved (but also hated), things that made me who I am. Things I miss but shouldn't, really.

Because if you put me back there, in those places, with those people, those relationships...
I would go insane. Figuratively, literally, clinically. I would be mostly sad and scared and angry and never at peace. This would be colored by small moments of intense happiness and wondrous pleasure.

But nowhere near enough to be worth it.

I think I enjoy these things as entities. On their own, they are beautiful and perfect and only good. Once I start interacting with them, it's like picking a scab. It's so enticing and then you do it and you remember how much it hurt. But you do it every time. Because you can't resist.

Is this bad or good? Is it nice that I can remember most events or people that gave me any happiness as a 'good experience'? Or is classifying them as positive just evidence of my ignorance and utter stupidity?

Perhaps it's a testament to my humanity.

My real question is: how much time does it take? To heal these wounds that I don't notice until, you know, I notice them. When will I stop wanting to relive those times?

I want to acknowledge their place in my life and the lessons that were imparted to me. But I also want to fully realize and embrace the fact that they were not good. They are not. They will not be. They did harm. And now? No harm is being done. Now there is no question and I am so happy. More purely happy than I might have ever been.

Except this. Which I think is holding me back. And that breaks my heart.

But I don't know how to make it go away.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Project 365 #5

Day 41. 2.10.12
Using a February Photo a Day when I have nothing special to photograph.
This is my door.

Day 42. 2.11.12
Cast bonding all night. Lots of people on one couch. I love this photo.

Day 43. 2.12.12
SICK! This was my week.

Day 44. 2.13.12
Could not have survived this week without it.

Day 45. 2.14.12
My Valentine's gift from Dan. They hadn't fully bloomed yet, but still. So much love.

Day 46. 2.15.12
Care package from mama included chocolate. We are on the same wavelength because I was CRAVING the sweet stuff.

Day 47. 2.16.12. 
My first soccer game. And my first injury.

Day 48. 2.17.12
The flowers fully bloomed. SO PRETTY

Day 49 2.18.12
I might do a weekend recap, but I couldn't choose for this.
Apartment building, green tea, pizza and Breaking Bad.
I love my boyfriend.

Day 50 (!!!) 2.19.12
Afternoon in the city. Strawberry Lemonade froyo.... oh man I want more.

This is also acting as my Sunday Dump for this week. Woohoo 2 for 1. 
Time for sleep. This week will be... long.

Soaking It In

This is the life I want. Waking up in the city with a view of the brownstones and the fire escapes and the sounds of cars and horns and people. But still so peaceful and quiet in its own way; cool, gentle air coming through the window, heat rising off my fresh green tea.

Also, a blogger fail again.

But I had a talk with Dan last night and ultimately decided that it was more important to cherish our all too infrequent time together than to keep up with my internet competitions with myself.

So the vlog will be short and the blog post did not happen but I spent really good quality time with my boyfriend and basked in the luxury of forgetting my responsibilities.

Still, expect another post tonight when I get back to Vassar.

Now, to enjoy one more city day with my favorite man (that isn't my dad or brother–they'll always win).

Friday, February 17, 2012

In New York

Going into the city tomorrow morning to spend the weekend with Daniel. 

I shaved my legs and everything.

So excited but it is so late and I know I will be so tired. Ughhhh Starbucks at Grand Central come to me.

I will also be taking DayQuil in the AM. Just to be sure I'm ready for the day. And that there are no sickness repercussions. 

Also standing on a stage for four hours and constantly repeating ridiculous reactions is ROUGH so I am even more tired than normal.  

And I dislike calling/riding in taxis.

But it's the weekend and all is well. 

Note to self: You MUST write your study abroad essay THIS WEEKEND. You must. This is not a drill.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Tonight, I played soccer for the first time in, oh... at least 5 years.

I joined an intramural team, and tonight was our first game. It was SO FUN. We suffered a massive loss, but being new and inexperienced for the most part, not having practiced, and playing RUGBY boys, I am pretty damn proud.

There were a couple moments during the game that I was very convinced I was gonna fall over and pass out. I also fell once. And got man sweat (and my own) alllll over. Glamorous. I also was a bit afraid to fully approach these men, as I'm rather fond of my limbs and my life. But still, I kicked. I blocked. I assisted. I probably looked ridiculous, but I felt amazing. Not to mention the exercise! I forgot how fun soccer can be... and what is better than having fun with a side effect of a workout?

I seriously cannot wait to play again. Hopefully, we'll practice a few times between games so we can actually have a semblance of strategy. I have to say, though, I felt kind of badass. Kind of. Like, a very small amount. But I've only done theater/dance stuff since I've been here, and it feels so wonderful to do something different.

Another glorious tidbit: I now totally remember what played-in shinguards smell like. Mmmm...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Sickness Essentials

In life, there are a few things I cannot live without.

In sickness, there are a few more. Let's talk about them.

Chapstick: This is a life essential as well. Seriously, if I have to go a day without chapstick... it is not a good day. It is my holy grail. Danae sleeps with her chapstick. Or, she used to. Perhaps she lost a few too many tubes and learned her lesson. But you get the idea. IT'S IMPORTANT. It's also multi-purpose! In a pinch, you can use it on dry knuckles/hands or, as in my case today, on that skin between my nose and lips. Too much nose blowing = chafe city. It also = nasty.

Kleenex: I realize I'm using company names for general terms but that's the way we roll in this century. I'm a little obsessed with those personal packs of tissues with the fun packaging. So convenient and a lot less gross than a wad of 1-ply toilet paper or recycled napkins at lunch. I wonder how many Kleenex I've gone through at this point.

Water: Well, duh. But like, DYING without a water bottle in close proximity. See also: I'm peeing a lot.

Tea: I know, I know. Tea is actually dehydrating, but I'm avoiding the caffeinated ones! Throat Coat and Chamomile at all times. I brought my 16oz. snowman mug to Economics on Tuesday. That important. Also, throw in some Honey Loquat mixed in hot water every now and then. It tastes just a tad repulsive (maybe I'm being dramatic), but it definitely helps. You can also just take a spoonful of it, but make sure you have a chaser close by.

A good moisturizer: Like I said, chafe city. Also it's just a little luxury that is ten times more satisfying when you are sickly and stuffy and devoid of fluids.

I hate to say it, but... DayQuil: I have no access to awesome natural homeopathic methods for relief of this cold. Also, I have to be at 100% for multiple things throughout the day, and this little gem really helps with that. Picks up my mood, too! It just makes sick life easier.

Friends: Awwww. Make sure there are people making you laugh and smile and forget about your pain and discomfort. They say laughter is the best medicine. I personally like the phrase "Laughter is an instant vacation." And a vacation is what I feel like I need whenever I start to come down with something.

And finally...
SLEEP. For the love of all things holy, GO TO BED. I am so awful at this one. But not tonight! Getting to sleep early so that I can speed through the rest of this week!

So if this season is getting you down, throw on some comfy clothes (fleece and sweatpants for me, please) and make sure all of these things are within arms reach from your bed!

Here's to getting better!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

100th Post and Valentine's Day

One hundred posts. Almost half of which came from this year. I'll get more sappy on my one year blog anniversary, but I just love blogging. It has definitely become my therapy. I can't believe I have hit 'publish' one hundred times. That is quite a lot. I feel I'm only getting better at writing and documenting, with a few off days now and then. Here's to one hundred more (which will come sometime in late May/early June!)

Today was the big VDay. Even having a Valentine, it was fairly uneventful. I didn't eat enough chocolate for my liking. Also I'm still sick and not as peppy as I possibly could be. However, my lovely boyfriend sent me a bouquet of flowers—with a vase and everything! They are tulips and... some other flower I don' t know the name of. Lots of pink and purple and green. They are beautiful, but won't bloom fully for about three days, so I'll post a picture then. Boys don't really understand flowers, but Dan still took the time/effort/money to send me some. He's such a gem.

One other thing I will say about Valentine's Day... the over sharing on social media sites is kind of atrocious. Whether you're single and sad, single and touting about how happy you are, or in a relationship and posting pictures of what your significant other got you. It. Is. Annoying. More so than on any other day. And the "I hate Valentine's Day" posts. It's like, damn. Keep it to yourself. Just today. I feel like all of it just ultimately makes people feel bad.


I had bigger plans in my mind for my 100th post. But. Alas. Here we are. Midnight and sick and tired. Such is life. I refuse to pretend!

Must sleep now. More from me tomorrow.

Monday, February 13, 2012


I can't stop myself from eating dairy. even though I know it's not good for this sickness.

I want to freeze frame waking up with all my pillows and realizing I have more time to sleep. 

I find it mildly concerning when I can't motivate myself to do something that I feel like I should love.

I want to soak up all of my time with Daniel when I [hopefully] see him this weekend!

I decide to take the plunge and skip class today? 

It really hits me that I'm halfway through my time at Vassar.

I can't believe how lucky I am when my boyfriend does his best to take care of me, even through the phone

I feel like I never, never, ever  will be able to keep my room clean for more than a day.

I feel like a really good person when I put time and effort into gifts and send snail mail.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Sunday Dump [the fourth]

I just don't understand why peeing in the shower is that big of a deal. It bothers me that people will turn on the shower, then go pee, then go get in the shower... So much water wasting! I don't know, maybe that's my unpopular opinion.

Also, I'm legitimately sick. It's a head cold, which is a double-edged sword. Good, because it's not serious and I can (hopefully) get it out of here pretty soon, but shitty because it is annoying as all hell. And I don't know if this is psychological, but I feel like it further impairs my brain functioning because all the pain and discomfort is in the same general area as my brain.

I should really, really get on top of my readings for class, but it is just insanely difficult for me to sit down and focus on them. Which is strange because I love reading and my current books/plays, etc are not bad at all. They're interesting! I just need to go to the library and block out a few hours only for reading.

My dad booked my flight home for spring break... and Reeve is coming with me! It is official and I am so so excited. I want to start planning our week NOW so that it's not last minute and we have plenty to do. He's never been to southern California so I need to have a proper itinerary planned out.

I wish I could be with Dan on Valentine's Day.... but I'm sending him a funny card and I know I'm supposed to be expecting something on Tuesday... excited! Also I should be able to head down to the city this weekend! My first city date with my love the boyfriend Daniel. Wow everything sounds so cheesy. Promise I don't mean to.

Ok bed must happen now. My head is pounding and I feel indisputably gross.

Have a happy Monday!

Saturday, February 11, 2012


One of my wisdom teeth has broken through the surface. I've been watching it make its way up for a while now. It hurts like hell. 

I'm not sure if my jaw pain is caused by this pesky, sideways-growing tooth, but there's that, too. It goes all the way up into my ear.

And now the right side of my jaw hurts, probably from moving it back and forth so many times. I don't know if it's helping (it's probably hurting) but it makes weird sounds and I find them fascinating. 

Also one of my tonsils is a bit swollen and my nose is runny. I think the sickness that has been going around is trying to nab me. Hopefully I can keep it at my with my vitamins and vitamin C booster. Definitely not something I want to bring me down! 

Otherwise, all is well and I am tired. My soccer game was cancelled tonight (i was so excited to play!) but perhaps it was for the best. I need some rest. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

Story, Myth, Reality

Currently reading The Story of Buddhism for my Religions of Asia class.

The first humans living for 80,000 years, flying, and eating white foam.
Eight hot hells, eight cold hells, four neighboring hells.
Six realms of being.

These stories... are insane.

And this is not to say that Buddhism has no validity. Hey, maybe adulterers DO go to a hell where they're constantly climbing up a tree full of razorblades to get to a woman who keeps disappearing. I don't know! Who does?

Perhaps these are all real things, but I must say that it is quite hilarious to think on how one might have come up with these stories. Flying humans who found and ate sweet white foam on the surface of the earth? That is definitely creative.

That's kind of how I feel about the stories associated with religion of any kind. They can't all be real, so who thought them up? And how? And why?

What would life look like today had these stories not been passed down? Would we have nothing to cling to? Would we—even those of us who aren't devout in the religion we grew up knowing—feel lost?

Or would the universe be more harmonious? Would there be more community, more value placed on the present, less respect for the dead and the deities?

Stories that might have started so small... have grown to create extreme faith and desperate hope, as well as fissions in families and across communities, constant disagreements on right and wrong, virtue and sin.

The power of storytelling. Pretty incredible.

Project 365 #4

Wow I can't believe I forgot to put this up yesterday! My friend Madie came over and we got to talking and then it was 1:30am. But I don't think it's a problem that I decided to value a human relationship over my blog for a night.

But now, on to the pictures...

Day 31: 1.31.12
My drying rack.

Day 32: 2.1.12
Finally got some quotes up on my wall. 

Day 33: 2.2.12
Trying to discover new combinations in my wardrobe.

Day 34: 2.3.12
Beyoncé Mug Night. Need I say more?

Day 35: 2.4.12
Melanie's surprise party. Back to the pre-teens.

Day 36: 2.5.12
The moon through the library window. Love twilight.

Day 37: 2.6.12
Wanted another picture of the moon but also wanted to include this delicious juice. 
I love healthy & yummy food!

Day 38: 2.7.12
A button on the gloves I'm so thankful for otherwise my hands would freeze off ahhh

Day 39: 2.8.12
Found on the printer. Just love people sometimes.

Day 40: 2.9.12
A cookie and coffee to get Madie and me through Economics.

I'll be putting up another blog post today to make up for yesterday's fail. 
Also I can't believe it's almost mid-February.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Blogger's Block

Wow I don't know what to blog about tonight. The past 38 days have been pretty simple! But right now.... nothing.

What I'm unsure of is why sitting in my desk chair is always an activity that never wants to end. Sometimes I can barely will myself up. It's so strange and annoying and makes me want to lock my computer up.

It's also freezing in my room and moving to my bed would be even colder because it's by the window.

Should I move my bed? Nope. Can't. Fits perfectly there.

But really, I would love to curl up into 1,000 blankets. I love being warm when it's cold outside. Or even when it's cold in the house... but I have to have multiple blankets and thick socks and a sweatshirt and AH I don't really have multiple blankets here so I'd rather have my heat work THANK YOU.

And this is the reason that despite their charm and curb appeal, I will never own an old house.
(Every story needs a moral, right?)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I'm a Freaking Bee

I contemplated writing a post on the recurring thoughts I have while passing the cemetery on my way to dance every Tuesday and Thursday, but decided I'm not ready for that. Too morbid for the moment.


I spent most of last year and last semester thinking I wasn't doing enough. Everyone else was more involved, had more than just a show, etc. I wanted someone to ask me what I did on campus and be able to spout off an exhaustive list.

This semester is a different story.
Not only am I in one show, but two.
I'm on the board of FWA, and unlike last semester, I actually have responsibilities. Lots of them. Why did I think treasurer was a good idea?
I'm a tour guide. Which basically equals weird ass time commitments.
I'm taking 5 classes.
Oh, and I joined an intramural soccer team? (still processing that one)

Not that I'm any busier than all of the other overachievers here (of which I am not one, seriously), but this is the most I've ever had to do.

...I love it.

Being busy makes me feel productive, excited, able to forge on with purpose.
I just HAVE to nail down a routine so I can get all of my homework done. It's not happening at the moment, y'all.
My brain/body isn't used to having so many things going on. Also my constant, strange, totally-irrelevant-to-anything thoughts are FIGHTING for room in there.

Anybody got any links to an intensive time management course? I'd fit that in somewhere.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Breathe it In

I think the scent of Natural Works Water Lily dish soap will forever remind me of freshman year and the three south bathroom.

I still have that same bottle of dish soap. Every time I use it I'm immediately transported. If I smell it next year, will it remind me of sophomore year a well?
I don't think so. I think the freshman year memory is locked in.

Sense of smell is so weird that way. It's the most nostalgic, emotionally linked sense, which is one of the reasons why being sick and losing that sense is just MISERABLE.

It's so ridiculously visceral. I've cried, laughed, smiled, grimaced, gagged, fantasized, felt agitated or relaxed all because of what I'm smelling!

It's a bit of a love/hate relationship.
But mostly love.
Because a delicious meal, a warm dessert, the scent of a significant other, your favorite perfume, comforts of home, a childhood memory... so good. 

Nothing affects me like a strong scent.
I wish I could bottle a few.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Sunday Dump [the third]

I'm processing.

Sometimes the feelings of inadequacy are so palpable I can literally feel the weight of them everywhere on my person.

Inadequacy coupled with a frequent lack of drive promotes even deeper feelings of inadequacy and the cycle is vicious, as so many are.

I think, though, that everyone has a point where they get it. "This is what I need to do to get to where I want to be." I think I have found that.

Passion necessitates hard work. Focused, true, hard, long, sometimes shitty work. But work that is so worth it. I wish I could fully grasp that light at the end of the tunnel. The payoff isn't real yet. I've gotten into the mindset that I'm just going to stay static.

But I don't want to. I really, really don't want to. And I can't. I can't afford to play around anymore.

I am thankful for the incredible people in my life that force me to see the bigger picture, reevaluate, and plant a seed of pointed positivity.

It's not a failure. It's a road. My path to where I'm supposed to end up. I trust in that, but I also have to trust in myself, and make it happen.

The time is now, and it always has been.

Saturday, February 4, 2012


This was a weekend.

This is why I need to get out of my room.

This is why people are wonderful.

This is why I love Vassar.

This is college.

This is how it should be, always.

This is how friends are made to last.

This is why late nights and rushed homework and fatigue and misadventures are worth it.

Friday, February 3, 2012


Mug Night.

Never have I seen so many people at the mug. It was insanity.

DJ Reevoncé was flawless and the view from the DJ booth was unreal. So happy I was there the whole time. There are plenty of pictures, some of which you'll see and some of which you won't (like I said, the VIEW).

Auditions are tomorrow (today, it's after midnight) so I should get SOME semblance of a good night's sleep. A bit nervous.

But a fantastic night and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Also, the air was thicker than summer in Florida.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

I Need Sleep. Lots of Sleep.

I'm eating mini chocolate covered donuts.
They are so good. I feel no guilt.

Also it is almost the weekend but it already feels like it's here. But this weekend is full of things. Auditions, namely.

Really all I want is to be a hermit for like, a week. Catch up on all my shows and eat so much food.
I also would love to take care of my sick boyfriend. I've always thought this was kind of sappy and ridiculous, but it really does break my heart just a teeeny bit to see him not feeling well, and especially not being able to be there to make him feel better.

I felt very tired today. Physically, mentally. I got a lot of sleep but it didn't start until 3am, so that probably explains it.

All of my posts are turning into dumps like Sunday. I should start earlier so my eyes aren't closing by the end!

I have to remember to write down all the blog post ideas I have throughout the day. Because I do have them! Quite easy to forget, though.

Should I eat another donut? Yes. Always yes.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Hello February!

YAY! I've officially blogged for one month straight! Kind of insane that the amount of posts from January are already more than half of those from the entirety of last May-December!

I am actually quite proud of myself. I know it's only 1 month out of 12, but I was quite afraid I would forget or decide it wasn't important or fall asleep. Internet accountability is a powerful thing, I'm here to tell you.

What I have slacked on a bit is my journal, but I've been pretty straightforward in my vlogs, so I don't feel too bad. And I do comprehensive catch-ups if I miss too many days. Yay for documenting absolutely every part of my life?

So welcome to February! This is a weird month. But for me, even the name sounds like love. I've never had a valentine (until this year! Eeee!) but I have always loved Valentine's Day. It's the day I shamelessly eat the pound of See's chocolates my dad buys me! Or, college edition, the day I shamelessly eat whatever chocolate is in the vending machines. ...that's sad.

Valentine's Day is actually the day Dan first came onto my radar. That was the day he sent me the message on Facebook asking me to coffee. Unbeknownst to him, of course. I feel like most single men are somewhat oblivious of Valentine's Day. Us women, however. Hell no. We KNOW when that day is coming, and if we're dreading it or looking forward to the big ass teddy bear and box of (cheap) chocolate we may or may not get from our kind of steady boyfriend. Which never happened to me, by the way. Except for the year I was given roses and chocolate and a mix CD from a boy in my French class... and I was seriously beyond flattered but couldn't return the feelings. Which made me sad a little. But you can't tell your heart what to do, ya know?

Oh, high school.

ANYWAYS. Where is this post going?? I feel like I should have saved the above for Feb. 14, buuuttt whatever comes out of my mind gets posted, so that's that.

It's late and I have an amazing amount of energy that I do not understand, considering I woke up at 7:30. But I've been dancing around the room to audition songs and sitting in awe of Samantha Barks' Eponine portrayal and just generally being happy, which is awesome considering today was hump day in the truest sense of the phrase for me.

I posted this tweet earlier:

Despite the improved mood, this is most definitely what I want/need right now. I would just melt into a puddle of bliss.

Now that I have veered off into a hundred different directions, I will sign off for the night. You never know WHAT you'll get on this blog. I mean, I barely know.

Also my radiator is freaking me the crap out right now. It's like there's a tiny little man in there playing the drums.