I miss high school.
Uh. Hm. BLERG.
Only a really small, almost negligent bit. I just... I kind of miss being angsty.
Wow. How awful does that sound? I'm embarrassed for myself. But I do have an explanation. I've had Pandora playing all day. Sara Bareilles channel, which, come to find out, mostly plays songs I listened to repeatedly in high school while contemplating a romantic interest, or staying up into the wee hours of the night (when I figured out how beautiful and peaceful 2am was). Honestly, WHITE HOUSES just came on. Not that I directly related to Vanessa Carlton's losing her virginity in a car when I was 16, but still. ANGSTY.
High school wasn't 'easy.' I mean, maybe it was compared to 'the real world.' I'm not there yet. But that's not why I miss it. I almost miss it because it was rough, hard sometimes. It was the first time I felt like I was making important decisions, feeling incredibly true emotions, becoming myself. Those are such transformative years, and they only happen once. I learned so much, made so many mistakes, shed so many tears, had so many firsts. I want to feel that first flutter of love again, the first real feeling of confidence, the first realization that I finally have a best friend. I want to be able to immerse myself in those moments again. I want to remember exactly what I felt. And the farther I get from those moments, the less I can recall. How shitty. I guess that's what you get when you only journal consistently for 3 months. Good try, Sarah.
I miss being angsty without worrying about the future. Now, every time I have a problem—academically, socially, with relationships or theater—I think "How will this affect my future?" I can feel things getting more serious as time wears on. It's weird. I won't even get a chance to blink before I'm on my ass in New York City. (Expect many more posts on the impending transition to real life in about 2.5 years....Ok, so I'm jumping the gun a little).
I miss coming home after school and talking to my parents, having a snack with my sister, enjoying the afternoon.... and then staying up until midnight to do homework. All the while texting my friends or current significant other, sorting out the drama in our lives.
Of course, there's that enormous chunk of me that doesn't miss any of that stuff, that would never in a million years choose to return to that life, (most of) those people, those 'problems.'
It's just the fact that I'll never get to do that again. Be what the songs talk about, you know? Being young, reckless, heartbroken, in love, anxious to escape... how thrilling it all was, to be in the midst of that. Though I didn't always think so at the time. Now I have escaped, and it's wonderful and everything I want (mostly) and...comfortable. That's the thing. It's comfortable. It's my life now, not a dream, a faraway prospect. A thrilling adventure to be had.
But I know, 4 or 5 or 10 years down the line, I'll think back on this time. How magical this was, how I sometimes wish I could go back. It comes back to living in the moment (doesn't it always?) To doing everything you want to do, acknowledging that you're living the dream because you're living. This is the magical time, and it always will be.