Thursday, July 26, 2012

the change

whoops, no, not menopause.

the blog name. the whole blog has felt a little tired to me lately, and if anyone has been regularly checking in, they would have noticed I've been switching the layout/template every few days. Nothing has felt right. I finally decided on this one for its simplicity (it is, after all, the 'simple' template). In white, because I want the words, the pictures—my life—to be the focal point. Enough of the flowery crap, the distracting colors and prints. I want to get rid of anything and everything superfluous. (Except language. I love me some superfluous language). But the distractions no longer suit me. Not only on the blog, but in day to day living. I am in the process of recommitting myself to.... well, to myself, if I'm being honest.

I have been too afraid to start projects, work toward goals, because I'm afraid of how behind I am. Isn't that the silliest thing you've ever heard? It is actually nonsensical. But fear was holding me back, and I was losing myself in things that didn't really matter. My growth had been stunted, my inner person taken over by metaphorical weeds; my soul had become dusty and unexplored. I felt ugly on the inside. Not living up to my full potential.

I needed to reteach myself my loveliness. How to be lovely, in all the ways. The phrase comes from this poem, which is kind of wonderful and kind of weird. But from it I gained wisdom that is redirecting my life.

I started working out two and a half weeks ago. I'm following a workout calendar, which has me target a different muscle group 5 days a week, cardio on Saturdays, and rest on Sundays. I haven't missed a day. Even though I was too busy to work out on Saturday, I made that my rest day and did cardio on Sunday. I made it work. I am determined. Finally, I am determined. And I am already seeing a difference. But mostly, I'm feeling the difference. I wake up with more energy, and my muscles aren't stiff (just sore from the previous day's workout!). I am stronger. I see the definition and in my workouts I am consistently gaining endurance. It's the best I can remember my body feeling, at least since I was dancing. It's honestly amazing. And I am so proud of myself. To have a legitimate reason to be proud of myself is the best feeling. It's so gratifying. I worked for it, earned it.

That has been the biggest change, but I'm also really lighting a fire under my ass as far as the Moscow reading goes. I'm getting it done! Little by little.

And I'm cooking a lot. Creating meals and really eating clean as often as I can.

I know I owe it to myself to be the best that I can be.
And I already feel lovelier.

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