Here we are, over ten days since my last post and finally at the end of the year. I finished last Friday, but couldn't settle myself down enough to write. Only now, all my stuff moved out of my room and into Angela's, freshly showered, sitting with the lights off and just a hint of natural light peeking through the shades. Angela's sleeping, the fan is whirring, I am at peace. Finally.
A lot has happened in the past ten days. Some things I thought wouldn't ever happen. It's incredible the way people evolve and feelings change and life pulls you in a new direction, but really it isn't new and it's the direction you've been denying yourself for too long.
I'm single. It feels strange. It feels new and better than I thought it could. I realized recently that I'm a serial dater. I haven't been single (or, at the very least, emotionally single) since I was 16. I've always needed to feel attached to someone in order to feel truly worthy. I'd constantly be worrying no one would ever like me. In high school, that felt like my reality. My dad told me it was because they were 'intimidated by my height, beauty and intelligence.' This made me appreciate my dad, but didn't make me feel much different.
I was pretty much that same person up until this year. After the huge blowout breakup in the late winter of 2011, I knew I wouldn't take as much shit as before. But, still. Unable to say no, I pursued any relationship that presented itself. After all, the most important thing to me was that I was in a relationship. I truly thought it made me better.
Fast forward to now, and I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the ways in which I have changed. It's immense. I pity the old Sarah, though I appreciate her. I'm glad for those feelings, those experiences. They helped me to know what it is I want now.
I want to know me. I still have a lifetime of growing to do, and I want to spend some time with myself, living for myself. Finally. I want to embrace every moment, and I need to be entirely present for that. Not constantly attached to my phone, conjuring up empty passion and hurting people in the process.
I'm different and I'm proud and I'm ready to take on this next chapter. At a certain point, you just have to do it for you. Only for you. Life's short enough, ya know?