Confessions

My wish for the future is that I will kick this procrastination habit in the butt.

I know it shouldn't be a wish and I can make the choice whenever I want to. But tonight it's not a reality. I keep thinking "Maybe tomorrow..." but it's never gonna happen until I take the 'maybe' out of that thought for good.

It's really frustrating, feeling like you honestly cannot do the things that must be done. It almost feels involuntary, though I know it's not. I feel like I cannot finish an assignment in one sitting, can't start a paper until the deadline is looming over my head.

Is a motivation problem at the root of it all? Am I just lazy? Is it actually more serious than that? Sometimes I seriously feel like I have a disease. I'm pretty sure it's just me, but I have spent way too many moments berating myself for nights and afternoons wasted on things that were not necessary.

Perhaps it's the human desire for pleasure and ease trumping all. Distracting myself is easy. I have plenty of things I can do. I do what's easy because of course, it requires less effort. And I can't seem to change that part of me. If I have a thought in the middle of something, I immediately pursue it, opening new tabs to research things or filling up my Brita or replying to an email or putting something on my wall. It's insane and it needs to stop.

I need discipline. And I think the only way to get it is to crack down on myself and just go cold turkey with it.

Here's to tomorrow.