Tuesday, March 13, 2012

What Is It About Her

Sometimes I just don't feel understood. Sometimes I don't understand myself. And then I realize I have these shortcomings I used to swear I didn't have. I'm trying to be more aware of what's going on with me. What I'm excelling in and where I'm falling short. Because sometimes we've been lying to ourselves for way too long, wanting to believe something that just isn't true.

I'm trying to be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good sister. A good person. I'm trying and sometimes I'm not and that sucks. I'm still working on controlling my impulses and knowing what's right and what I should and shouldn't say. When I should just listen and when it's best for me to go the extra mile. Or not. And above being just 'good,' I want to be right. And honest. And real. I want to be able to tell everyone exactly how I'm feeling and talk about problems and work through rifts in a relationship. And it's funny because I used to pride myself on letting my feelings be known.

But I guess that's only when I cry and I have to spill. Which is too often. Is overactive tear duct syndrome a thing? If yes then I have it. Bad. But I digress.

I guess I am not as 'confrontational' as I thought. I'm scared. I fought with my mom about it tonight. I'm scared of bringing things up because I don't want to make people upset and I'm unsure how to act or how they'll take it, how it will affect our future relationship. That's shitty, because if I don't address the problem, then it WILL affect the relationship.

Nice, Sarah.

I guess I'm still learning. Identifying the problem must be some sort of first step to change, right?

I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying.

I want others to want to be around me. I want to be fun to hang out with, good to talk to, a solid shoulder to cry on. I want to be whatever I can be. Am I having a problem feeling loved? I don't know. That's too much for now.

I love people and I overanalyze them and I think way too fucking much and I just want people to think about me with a smile on their face and that's all. That's all.

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